Up until about five hours ago, I was really depressed.
The reason is my companion, Elder T. Ever since I came to Fuji, I have been unhappy. At first I thought it was normal, I was still adjusting, but I didn't trust Elder T, and he noticed and confronted me about it. And I so I started to trust him, but he is really really depressing all the time, and it affected me badly. He criticized me and other missionaries and our Mission President and even himself to the point where I just couldn't do missionary work. And he always thinks that everyone does everything in order to further their own ulterior motives. and so I was afraid to do anything whatsoever. I just froze up with fear and felt awful inside, and Elder T would then try to get me to do things and I psychologically couldn't. And so I just endured for about a week. And he kept saying things like that he was trying to help me, and so I believed that he truly was trying to help me be a better missionary. He also has a tendency to make situations sound much more dramatic than they need to be, and that we, as missionaries, unless we do our job just right, the entire ward will just fall apart. And that made getting here extremely stressful, especially since I'm young and inexperienced and just barely got to the area so I have little to no idea of what's going on.
Then, this morning, he called me out again. and he criticized me for not wanting to be here and not really wanting to help our investigators. And criticized the way I learn Japanese and that I was being selfish with how I used my time. And he asked me about what I really want to do, and I told him 'I want to go home.' Because I believed everything that he had said about me and I thought that was really what I wanted. Satan was using him to get to me. And it was working. I know now what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. Now I know just how truly awful it feels. Just how much it makes you feel like you can never be happy again. And I just couldn't say anything. I just freeze up. It was like my worst childhood nightmares. And you think that it is all your fault but you find that you can't do anything about it.
So I went into the other room, and I prayed, and I read my scriptures, and I felt that I needed to call my district leader, my old trainer who I love and trust like he was my dad. So I did. And I told him what was going on. And I thought this was all my fault and that I really didn't want to be on a mission, and then he told me that Elder T was wrong, and that I really was very well prepared to come on a mission like he had said when we were companions and that it wasn't a lie. And so I realized that I can't trust Elder T. I can't trust what he says. He thinks that missions are really hard and miserable, and that everyone is out to get him. And he thinks the same thing about life in general. I've heard him talk about things off of missions too, and that's what he expects. He expects everything to be hard and for everyone to always be trying to stab him in the back. He and Elder G had an exchange last week and apparently Elder T said some pretty terrible things about me. But now I know that he is trying to make me miserable like him, and that it's okay if I just try hard until the end of the transfer and then leave. Elder T made me feel guilty for liking anything, or taking pleasure in anything, but it's going to be okay now, because I know the Lord wants me to be here and I remembered why I'm here.
And so now I'm prepared and have the fresh perspective. I'm working hard. I'm trying my best. And right now, doing things is really difficult. But I haven't given up. I actually feel really good about everything right now. And in a couple days I have an exchange with Elder G, so I can talk to him about it and have a short break.
I'm finally doing better. For real this time. I was lying to you and myself last week.
-Elder Mueller :)
P.S It's the beginning of Sakura (桜 Cherry Blossom) season, and they are so beautiful! Trees covered in pink everywhere! And I just got batteries for my camera, so I'll send plenty of pictures next week. じゃね！